When People Leave

Recently, a very dear friend of mine left Russia to move back to Germany. This has left me distraught in the realization that this is the life of an expatriate amongst other expatriates. A life of meeting different, amazing, beautiful people who touch your life and experience things with you that few others can and then they leave. Or maybe you leave. Either way, someone leaves and, assuredly, both feel like a piece of them has been hollowed out with a blunt, discomforting object.

By the time Inessa went home, she and I had grown significantly closer. With her leaving, this terrible realization that my world here is fickle and temporary came flooding into my mind. All of the situations I find myself in here will eventually become fond (or not so fond) memories. Friends will leave and return to their lives, and we will keep in contact and see each other every once in a while if the possibility arises. For so long, I could ignore this, but with Inessa's departure, I had to face it. Already, many of us are planning our great escapes from Russia--where will we go next, what obligations do we have to fill, how long do I have until I have to settle down in a place called "home"? Where is home? Is it here in Russia? Am I meant to stay here forever? We are ready for the next steps in life, but not quite ready for the end of this journey. The excitement is subsiding, and the pain of separation is rearing forth it's ugly head.

I'm not quite ready for any of that, but I know that the world I have created around me seems to be dissolving. I need to begin preparing myself for it. More people will leave to continue a "real life", and soon I will do the same. Where I will be going, I do not know. As cruel a mistress as Russia is, she is difficult to imagine life without.

I once did a "brave" thing in leaving for Russia, but now I need to figure out how to leave her.